Written By: Mike Agostinelli

The most shocking thing about Fifty Shades Of Grey is the sheer amount of pubic hair that the two leads have. I mean it’s kind of serious. There has to be a really cool Indiana Jones movie going on inside Christian Greys bush. I was expecting a monkey to swing out of his pubes and jump into hers. It’s 2015 people; I don’t care what was in the book. Shave your genitals.

I would describe the plot of this film, but 90% of you know what’s up with this anyway. The fact that there isn’t much of a plot also makes not talking about it that much easier. Let’s just say it centers around the sexual awakening of Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), a cute and witty college virgin. She meets Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) when she fills in for her roommate’s scheduled interview with the business titan. They meet and exchange lots of breathy mumbling and sexual glances, forcing chemistry out of each other like their lives depended on it. This then leads to a whirlwind affair, with lots of stop-and-go soap opera drama, until it culminates in the revelation that Christian has some very “particular” sexual tastes.

Believe it or not I actually really liked the first hour of this movie. It’s shot so slickly and breezes by so quickly, I was wondering if I should check in my man card due to my enjoyment of what was going on. Dakota Johnson is really cute, and Anastasia has a highly likable personality. She straight up doesn’t put up with Christians crap at first, despite being totally enamored with the guy. He’s just suave and mysterious enough to keep things interesting, giving us a Bruce Wayne type character (if Bruces parents didn’t die and ended up being assholes). But then, around the third sex scene, things start getting a bit old and stale.

I’m all for movie sex scenes, and the first few in this are actually pretty hot. You know, discounting the fact that Anastasia has lots of peach fuzz leg hair and the aforementioned hairy hoo-hah. But by the time the third one rolls around, and we get yet another “sexy” song playing in the background, it becomes a bit stale. A movie can only survive on sexual intensity for so long before it actually has to have, you know, a plot. This does not have one. There’s no story. It’s just “Oh Anna, I like you but I can’t do this.” And then “Oh wait, maybe I can.” And finally “Nah, I can’t.” That’s the way the story flows. I don’t consider that a spoiler; I consider it a warning.

For a movie that promotes itself as an edgy button pusher, it’s also surprisingly tame. The trailer makes it seem like Christian is about to tie this chick up and go all “Hostel Part 15” on her, but it amounts to light bondage mixed with a little light spanking. There is a part towards the end that crosses lines a bit, but it’s too late in the game to make a large impact. It also results in one of the most abrupt endings to a movie I’ve seen in recent memory. A part of me liked how shockingly abrupt it was, and another part of me was left laughing at the stupidity of it. The theater I was in fell into the latter category, with lots of “what the hells” being thrown around.
The fact of the matter is this: no matter what any critic says about this movie, its making money and will continue to do so. Its reached “phenomenon” status. It’ll be the talk of the town for the next week or so before it fades out until the inevitable sequel rolls around. I will be seeing that sequel, mostly due to the fact I always finish what I start. I just wish this first installment of the trilogy lived up to the promise of its first hour, and pushed things a little further. While also having it’s leads shave themselves. I’m still hung up on that.

I give Fifty Shades Of Grey a 6 out of 10.