Written By: Mike Agostinelli

Lets start with this observation: Kevin James plays the President of the United States in this movie. The President. Indeed, the leader of the free world is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. And its presented in such a blaise and matter of fact way that it takes you entirely out of the movie itself and leaves you to wonder aloud one simple question: What in the actual fuck?!?

Pixels blows. It blows in ways that I simply cannot properly describe with words. It takes an awesome concept and then proceeds to defecate all over it, and stuffs it with so much unnecessary and unfunny garbage that it almost feels like they deliberately sabotaged their own movie. I was hoping this would be a rare gem in the utter drudgery of Adam Sandler’s recent filmography, but its just another notch to add to his utility belt of shame. I almost pity the guy, but then I realize he’s a millionaire and the sympathy goes far away. This is Jack and Jill levels of bad, and that’s saying something.

Pixels’ director, Chris Columbus, is actually a decently talented guy. He directed the first two Home Alone movies, and had a hand as a producer in many other successful films. How he didnt smell the putrid stench of cinematic dog shit that is this movie a mile away simply astounds me. It’s a failure on nearly every conceivable level, from the writing to the sleepwalking acting. Even Josh Gad, who I find to be extremely talented, phones it in here and is reduced to a screaming, wailing pain in the ass.

The small spasms of positive content to be had here are few and far between. The final 20 minutes are mildly diverting, as the video game attack breaks down into all-out war in Washington, culminating in a Donkey Kong showdown. Its exciting and fun, like how the rest of the movie should have been. The NYC Pac-Man attack sequence also has its moments, but most of them can already be seen in the trailer for free. I will say though: Michelle Monaghan finally looks hot again in this movie, after going through a years long stretch of simply looking terrible. And Ashley Benson from Pretty Little Liars pops up towards the end as a fictional videogame character known as Lady Lisa, dressed in skimpy superhero-esque clothes and melting my face and heart and eyes and private parts. Too bad she never speaks and is only on screen for about 8 minutes. Get me a spinoff of this chick and I’d rent out a theater just to sit there alone and drool.

It’s a shame when something with such potential winds up becoming a disappointing turd. Casted more correctly and written more intelligently, this could have been something incredibly awesome. Instead, we are left with yet another Sandler poop fest which I believe puts the final nail in my Adam Sandler watchability coffin. I will never again see a movie with that man in it. Ever. Mark my words.

I give Pixels a 2 out of 10.

Next up: Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation